The Big Mouth

This is the BIG MOUTH'S FIRST EVER BEST HOLIDAY/CHRISTMAS NEWSLETTER. TOM P of Indianola, Iowa is the recipient of this high honor. The entry shows nobility, humility, and sense of honor that is very rare indeed!
Thank You Tom for following in the spirit of the Big Mouth. This is a slam dunk!

-Lynn Nelson
editor and chief, BIG MOUTH Productions

Happy Holidays from the Petersens in Indianola

Hello everyone! Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! Hope you all had a good 2009. I know it was a challenge at times, but perhaps better days are ahead in 2010. This year, to liven things up a bit, we’re going to give you a little multiple choice quiz to see if you can figure out what we did this year…

1. Reasons Tom and Sandy didn’t send out a Christmas card last year:
(A) Still in shock from the growing recession and our dwindling 401(k)
(B) Couldn’t decide on the style of Christmas stamp.
(C) The season got the best of us and we ran out of time. We did send it out to many of you as an email. I know, cheap and electronic, but it got out.

2. This year, we made two improvements to the house. We reshingled the roof and replaced all the windows because
(A) Homeless people were starting to lean against our house at night, staying warm from the escaping heat.
(B) The neighborhood cats were doing the same thing, sleeping on our roof at night.
(C) We were losing, oh, probably 98 percent of our heat through the old roof and windows, and it was time. The “30 year roof” that was on the house lasted about 13 years. Thanks.

3. This year Mike and Drew continued their involvement in…
(A) Beating the heck out of one another, like brothers will do
(B) Growing at an alarming rate and eating everything in sight.
(C) Playing percussion in band for Mike, and Cub/Boy Scouts for Drew/Mike

4. This year we vacationed at Backbone State Park in northeast Iowa. We stayed in a nifty little rented cabin that was air conditioned (thank you Lord) and a little kitchenette. What did we do to pass the time?
(A) Drove south to Maquoketa to go through the caves at the state park. The hiking and steep inclines just about killed Tom. Almost. The humidity didn’t help.
(B) The kids would have enjoyed swimming in the little lake if the geese hadn’t got their first and, um, “decorated” the beach…
(C) The weather was unseasonably cool most of the time, but we still were able to hike, canoe, have a fire each night and make tinfoil dinners on the coals. We had a good time.
(D) All of the above

5. We still live in Indianola and work at Wal-Mart and the Indianola School System because
(A) That grand idea to be traveling gypsies never really panned out
(B) Still haven’t won the lottery
(C) Stability in today’s world seemed much more desirable than blatant risk-taking.

6. We added two cats, Teunis and Molly, to the household this year because…
(A) We thought adding a herd of ferrets might be a little too much for our small home.
(B) Our furniture hasn’t been shredded enough by the two dogs and old black cat we already have, so…
(C) Every time we saw a “free kittens” sign the kids INSISTED we stop and check them out. These little “aw, aren’t they cute excursions” turned into “Dad can we keep one?” excursions. Of course; what were we thinking?

7. Tom still plays drums and congas for the band at church because…
(A) Even though he’s been told his services are no longer needed, he still shows up, so…
(B) He was threatened with bodily injury when he unexpectedly whipped into a pennywhistle solo during a highly anticipated flute solo, so, back on drums
(C) The regular drummer(s) were in a bad motorcycle/car accident on their way to Sturgis, South Dakota this past summer. They won’t be able to play for several months. Praise God it wasn’t worse. Because it could have been.

8. Our son Drew, 9, is a rabid beanie baby collector. He has more than 300. Why beanies?
(A) The dang things have fallen out of style just enough to allow him to afford them at garage sales at 50 cents a pop….
(B) His initial plans for a “live bug” collection were quickly halted at the back door by his mother…
(C) We’re hoping that when he “loses interest” (please Lord) we can donate them to the children’s wing at a local hospital. If they’ll take them. Or some group like that…

9. After consulting with Mike’s teachers, it was decided to skip him from 7th grade to 8th grade this year. It seems to be working out well for him. But why the change?
(A) His brain is apparently too large. He was waking up with headaches.
(B) Beats me; he obviously inherited his father’s natural intelligence (ow! ow!) Okay, excuse me, his MOTHER’s natural intelligence (Sandy go back and sit down; quit reading over my shoulder…)
(C) He had been in TAG classes since Kindergarten and he just wasn’t being challenged, and was getting bored. I keep reminding him I was changing his diapers just a few years ago. Mike doesn’t appreciate the irony of that fact like I do.

10. Tom’s personal “stimulus package” for Sandy this year was…
(A) A lengthy back massage and a promise not to let anyone wake her up before 11 a.m. on Saturdays. Almost worked.
(B) Reassuring her that the thousands we’ve undoubtedly lost in the market will one day be recouped. One day. One day far, far away…
(C) Letting her plug in that laaaaast plug on the old power strip in the basement. Oh, if I had a video of that. Her eyelashes did eventually grow back.

11. Despite the glut of electronic devices and gadgets, Tom still does not have a cell phone because
(A) Having to buy two computer towers this year because of viruses is about all the technobabble I can handle…
(B) Still has fond memories from the 1970s of one landline phone, three channels on the TV, records not CDs, no video games, no big screen TVs, no home theatre systems, no cell phones, NO TEXTING, no TWITTERING, and yes, 8-Tracks were for cruising in the car (I bought a box of 8-tracks this summer at a garage sale…Ha!)
(C) He didn’t want to use the cell phone as an excuse when he forgets to use turn signals, preferring the tried and true “mindless ignorant Iowan driver” standby